I was happily making pumpkin puree this morning. Two hours later, the delicious smell of pumpkin spice cake filled my kitchen. While waiting for my fresh baked cake to cool down, my mind uncontrollably wandered. I stopped what I was doing and just laying quietly there. On the floor. Looking at the ceiling with uneasy feeling. Next thing I knew, it's hard for me to breathe. I clenched my hands too tight and too long. Mind is a powerful thing and God knows how hard I try to be careful with it. But shit anxiety just kicked in. Why am I being like this?
Let me describe what I feel. I'm sad, but nothing to be sad about. I finally made a perfect pumpkin spice cake after four attempts. I should be happy. I made it and it's delicious. I'm afraid. Of what exactly? I'm safe and sound at my own home yet I feel like being surrounded by something that going to eat me alive. I am angry. This is the only thing I know because I am angry at myself. But for what? That's unclear. One day I was happy and learn about loving myself, then the next day, I'm hating myself like kids hating broccoli.
If you don't feel comfortable reading this post, it's fine. My therapist said when I no longer able to hold it in, I should write about it. So here I am.
Shouldn't crying all night is enough?
I sing it out. I don't have a beautiful voice but I sing it out. Any song is fine. Usually, it helps me to focus on something. But not today I guess. I just feel numb because I've tried everything and they are all failed.
I will leave it here. I don't have any tips or information to share at the moment so I'll leave it here. Thank you for your time.
This post is so needed nowadays! Thanks for sharing it xx
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