A Journey to Find Peace

Me and my jealousy. All my life I've always wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be my sister when I was 6. I still wanted to be my sister when I was 13. That's because she's so beautiful and I thought everyone loves her because of that. I wanted to be my best friend when I was in high school. Because she has so many friends out there and never was an introvert. She could easily make a conversation whereas I could only stand beside her, listening and faking a laugh at the jokes they made.

But here I am. Almost 23 and finally come to a realization that everyone is different and you can do nothing about it. That's just how the universe works.

I like to quietly stand where I feel I'm just a tiny part of this chaotic universe and strangely feel at peace.

I remember when J offered to accompany me when I told him that I wanted to go to the mall alone. His presence brings me joy. Always. But at that time, what I wanted was to find peace. Not joy. Because there's always a joy when I'm at peace. And it's not a vice versa situation. If you live in Surabaya, you must already visit the Grand City Mall at least once. So here I give you my hiding spot. It's on the seats that facing the window on the 4th floor of the building. In there, you can see how busy the town is from above. Watching trains come and go by the train station. I can sit hours there by myself doing nothing but sipping my Thai tea. You can even see the Suramadu bridge from afar. 

Gaudi white top. Chocoberry House shirt and pants. Hush Puppies bag, Pull and Bear socks, Berrybenka shoes

*Sigh* That must be difficult to always have someone around you. To not be able to have a me-time. I like to be spoiled by J, but I like it better when I can spoil myself. Do you ever feel the pleasure of that?

I found peace in a strange way. That now makes me difficult to picture me as somebody else. I don't want to be someone else anymore and I don't want to compete anymore. As I grow up, I realize that the only person I want to be is a better version of me. If you ever feel like something burden you, then find your own peace. Or you can try my way. Peace is never about how much money you have or how perfect your relationship/marriage is. Here I give you a list of how I strangely find my peace.

- Sitting alone in a packed restaurant. Eating my favorite sashimi slowly without having to worry that someone is waiting for you to finish your meal.

- Being in J's hugs. Or maybe it's just because I love him lol.

- Have a slow morning walk on the beach. Listening to the sound of waves and zoom out my life. Remembering that the world is just a small dot in the universe and I'm so much smaller than that. And so are my problems.

- On the boat in the middle of the sea. Breathing the salty air and searching for the farthest land I can see. 

- Going to the mall alone without having to wait for my friends to meet me somewhere.

- Solo travel. In my case, it doesn't have to go somewhere else though. I like visiting airport or train station in my city. Sitting on one of the benches there and watch people do their things. 

So, do you have any other unique ways of how you find your own peace? Care to share with me? I would love to try them too.